You know when I write these tales of the absolutely funny weddings I try not to embellish because fiction is not nearly as funny as reality. Even as I sit here and write about this red neck wedding, some of you will not be able to take in all that really happened. Even though I was there and witnessed it all, I cannot believe it all happened down the aisle.
The day started with a trip out to the local community center. I had met the bride and groom at a Dunkin Donuts just few weeks before, so it was no surprise that they were very young. As I pulled into the gravel parking lot, the lot was filled with pick-up trucks and cars that were missing various parts, like mirrors, headlights, and fenders.
I made my way into the community center to see if any of the wedding party was there yet and met the mother of the bride. She was a lovely sight to behold. About five foot six, in her mid forties, and needing to have had someone help her pick out her dress. There are just some dresses that you shouldn’t wear without some kind of “slimming device” and she of course, had probably never heard of such a thing. Standing there smoking a cigarette, she had so much tooth decay that I dare say she could have held the cigarette between her teeth without using her lips.
As I took a look over the venue the room was lined with picnic tables in leu of chairs for the guests to sit in and in the back of the room was a poster size photograph of an elderly gentleman. I was later told that the photo was of the recently deceased grandfather of the bride. It just felt that all through the ceremony the eyes of “gramps” were looking over my right shoulder.
The groom and his groomsmen arrived in a jacked up Bronco and piled out onto the parking lot. Dressed in tight black jeans, high top sneakers, and tuxedo t-shirts they were a sight to behold. The groom wore an actual tuxedo jacket over his t-shirt, so he would be a little more dressy than the others.
As the scheduled time for the ceremony came and went, we waited on the arrival of the bride. In the first pick-up truck to pull into the parking lot, our hopes of it being the bride were dashed when we realized that they were there to bring the roasted wild pig; that the groomsmen had killed the night before.
Just a moment later the bride’s transportation did turn into the parking lot. A jacked up green, Ford pick-up truck was her vehicle of choice. As she got down out of her chariot I noticed that she of course was wearing boots under her wedding gown.
The men scrambled into the community center to take their places, the parents lined up on the parking lot outside the glass doors , and the bride stayed neatly hidden on the other side of the pick-up truck. Everything when so smoothly, parents entered and were seated at a picnic table, and the bridesmaids came sauntering down the aisle carrying cowboy hats with silk roses around the brim (the mother of the bride told me what a great deal she got on these at the dollar general.)
There we all stood, the bride, the groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, myself and “gramps” looking over my shoulder. As I pronounced the couple husband and wife they kissed and then turned to walk down the aisle and out the door. The bride drug the heal of her cowboy boots and tore the cheap paper runner, which gathered under her dress as she walked. When the happy couple reached the glass doors the bride had to lift her dress to let the gathered paper fall out from under her dress, like a wad of toilet paper.
And it all happened down the aisles.
p.s. I was meeting with another couple at the same Dunkin Donuts about 4 months later, when the bride from this wedding came up to me and said “Guess what.” I replied, “let me guess…..you’re pregnant. And she said “How’d you know?”