Downpour
Some of the time you just shake your head when you remember an event that could have been so beautiful, but was such a fiasco. Earlier this Spring I had front row seats for what could only be described as a train wreck. I had met the couple several months before and explained the process of putting together their ceremony. I sent emails and called in the weeks before the wedding, but it wasn’t until the night before that I received the ceremony. As I looked over it there were only a few minor changes that needed to be taken care of; so we were set.
As customary I arrived at the venue about 40 minutes before the start time of the ceremony. Situated on a mirror-like lake it was going to be a beautiful ceremony. I had checked the Weather Channel earlier in the day and even though we were supposed to get rain, it wasn’t anticipated until well after the wedding.
Looking around the venue I wanted to touch base with the bride and the groom. Their contract stated that the start time would be 6pm. At 5:30pm there was no bride, no groom, and no guests. I called the bride and she told me she was just around the corner. She didn’t tell me that she was not dressed and had not done her hair or make up. As I was finishing up my conversation with her, the groom and his groomsmen arrived in a car that I can only describe as something I’ve seen as I’ve driven past salvage yards. The mixture of three colors of paint and “Bondo” primer was only accentuated by the four green pine tree air fresheners that hung around the inside of the car.
After guests and the bride had arrived I waited until the anticipated start time of the ceremony to check in again with the bride. Elizabeth (bride’s name changed) was a large girl and in charge of everything. I mentioned that there was a thunderstorm coming and that we needed to get started. She let me know that it was alright for her guests to sit there and wait for her in the Florida heat, no it wasn’t going to rain, and that she would be ready in a few minutes (dress still not on)
Forty minutes late in starting, the bride was beautiful to behold coming down the aisle. She proceeded to take her place hand in hand with her groom. Though the ceremony progressed in order I kept looking at the sky. Just about the time I mentioned that we were going to have a blessing of the hands, the skies opened up and decided to shower down their own blessing on us. The guests, bridal party, and myself took shelter under the large covered awning and we continued on with the ceremony even though dripping wet.
Tom (the groom, name changed) had a daughter from a previous relationship and so we came to a point in the ceremony where Elizabeth was going to recognize his daughter by taking a necklace from around her neck and placing it around the neck of the child. Tiny clasps are hard enough to undo, but when you have extra long fake finger nails it is almost impossible. Once the clasp was opened the necklace slipped from Elizabeth’s neck and slid down the front of her dress and came to rest in her bosom. Without a thought of her guests watching her or the fact that I was standing less than two feet away, Elizabeth reached down the front of her dress and dug around with her fake finger nails to find the missing necklace. Awkward!
Okay, disaster number two over. The ceremony went fine for another 30 seconds or so until we got to the point in the ceremony where couples exchange rings. As is tradition, I asked “May I have the rings?” and the best man leaned toward me and whispered (wait for it) …”I left them in the car.” A ceremony that was not supposed to be very religious became VERY religious as I asked everyone to pray. As we prayed I quickly pulled my wedding band off my left ring finger and my seminary class ring off my right ring finger. At the conclusion of the prayer, the bride and groom exchanged my rings as their wedding rings and no one (except the bridal party) had any idea.
The ceremony was complete, the bride and groom were now husband and wife, and it all happened down the aisles
Best Man?
Weddings are usually a well planning out and choreographed work of art. It takes months to pick out all the colors, coordinate everything from bridesmaids dresses to types of pins that will hold on the grooms boutonniere, and such a fragile balance of art and hard work can be brought to a complete stop by one thing—the BEST MAN.
In the third Indiana Jones movie, Indy faces three trials in his search for the Holy Grail; only to be confronted by a very old knight uttering the words “choose wisely.” Heed that advice as you pick the one who will walk down the aisle, stand by your side, hold your rings during the ceremony, and make a toast at your reception. Practical jokers need not apply!
The task of the best man hales from the days of Scottish clans. So why would such a noble position be relegated to someone who is going to search their pockets and pretend they cannot find your wedding rings. Over the years I have seen almost everything happen when I ask for the rings. They have come down the aisle on a pillow carried by a major domo or ring bearer, they have been handed to me tied into sea shells, I’ve seen best men search their pockets, the pockets of the groom, and the pockets of other groomsmen. I’ve had best men retrieve rings from whiskey bottles, around cigars, off dog collars, and out of gum ball machines. I’ve been handed toy rings, rings tied to string, candy rings, and even onion rings.
So for all you future BEST MEN out there, take note: This is not your wedding; you are only an honored guest. Do not attempt to steal the spotlight from the groom and bride. You walk a treacherously fine line when you play the fool in front of family and friends. You may prove yourself not such a “best man” after all.
Country Fried Wedding
You know when I write these tales of the absolutely funny weddings I try not to embellish because fiction is not nearly as funny as reality. Even as I sit here and write about this red neck wedding, some of you will not be able to take in all that really happened. Even though I was there and witnessed it all, I cannot believe it all happened down the aisle.
The day started with a trip out to the local community center. I had met the bride and groom at a Dunkin Donuts just few weeks before, so it was no surprise that they were very young. As I pulled into the gravel parking lot, the lot was filled with pick-up trucks and cars that were missing various parts, like mirrors, headlights, and fenders.
I made my way into the community center to see if any of the wedding party was there yet and met the mother of the bride. She was a lovely sight to behold. About five foot six, in her mid forties, and needing to have had someone help her pick out her dress. There are just some dresses that you shouldn’t wear without some kind of “slimming device” and she of course, had probably never heard of such a thing. Standing there smoking a cigarette, she had so much tooth decay that I dare say she could have held the cigarette between her teeth without using her lips.
As I took a look over the venue the room was lined with picnic tables in leu of chairs for the guests to sit in and in the back of the room was a poster size photograph of an elderly gentleman. I was later told that the photo was of the recently deceased grandfather of the bride. It just felt that all through the ceremony the eyes of “gramps” were looking over my right shoulder.
The groom and his groomsmen arrived in a jacked up Bronco and piled out onto the parking lot. Dressed in tight black jeans, high top sneakers, and tuxedo t-shirts they were a sight to behold. The groom wore an actual tuxedo jacket over his t-shirt, so he would be a little more dressy than the others.
As the scheduled time for the ceremony came and went, we waited on the arrival of the bride. In the first pick-up truck to pull into the parking lot, our hopes of it being the bride were dashed when we realized that they were there to bring the roasted wild pig; that the groomsmen had killed the night before.
Just a moment later the bride’s transportation did turn into the parking lot. A jacked up green, Ford pick-up truck was her vehicle of choice. As she got down out of her chariot I noticed that she of course was wearing boots under her wedding gown.
The men scrambled into the community center to take their places, the parents lined up on the parking lot outside the glass doors , and the bride stayed neatly hidden on the other side of the pick-up truck. Everything when so smoothly, parents entered and were seated at a picnic table, and the bridesmaids came sauntering down the aisle carrying cowboy hats with silk roses around the brim (the mother of the bride told me what a great deal she got on these at the dollar general.)
There we all stood, the bride, the groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, myself and “gramps” looking over my shoulder. As I pronounced the couple husband and wife they kissed and then turned to walk down the aisle and out the door. The bride drug the heal of her cowboy boots and tore the cheap paper runner, which gathered under her dress as she walked. When the happy couple reached the glass doors the bride had to lift her dress to let the gathered paper fall out from under her dress, like a wad of toilet paper.
And it all happened down the aisles.
p.s. I was meeting with another couple at the same Dunkin Donuts about 4 months later, when the bride from this wedding came up to me and said “Guess what.” I replied, “let me guess…..you’re pregnant. And she said “How’d you know?”
I wonder.
Who invited this guest?
It was a beautiful spring day in the lake country of Central Florida. The bride and groom had chosen the grounds of a historic mansion on the banks of a pristine lake for the ceremony and reception. Under the canopy cover of timeless live oaks the guests gathered for the ceremony that would make the bride and groom, husband and wife.
The entire ceremony was a wonderful example of the love this couple shared. Family and friends focused on the ceremony and we reached a point where the bride and groom faced one another and I wrapped their hands in my stole. As I proceeded to read a beautiful hand blessing to the couple, no one was aware that lurking (or slithering) in the branches of the live oaks was a black racer about 3 feet long. Once the reading was done I reached forward to place my hand over the hand of the bride and groom and began to pray. Just as soon as I said “amen” I looked up to see the snake fall from the lofty branches right into the laps of two young women seated in the back row.
The scene in the back row that ensued could only be described as chaotic. The woman closets to the aisle jumped up, screamed a word that I cannot print, and ran out. The young lady to her right jumped straight out of her chair into the lap of an elderly gentleman seated next to her and hugged him around the neck. The bride and groom had not seen the snake fall from the trees and they whipped around to see the commotion. I whispered to them that it was nothing and let’s keep going.
The snake, once safely to the ground, slithered down the row in front of the chairs and came to rest under the electric scooter of guest. The bride and groom were pronounced husband and wife without a worry in their minds and then headed down the aisle.
The Panera Bread Wedding
Last Saturday I was scheduled to perform the wedding of a most admirable couple. When challenges or circumstances attempt to overwhelm them they just seem to roll with the punches. Their wedding day would be one of those times, but once again they took advantage of the moment and celebrated in a way that I’ve never had the opportunity to experience before.
The couple’s wedding was scheduled to take place at Lake Eola, in downtown Orlando. About ten minutes before the wedding, as guests were getting in place for the ceremony, there was a clap of thunder and the skies opened up into a torrential downpour. This was not small trickle, in fact it rained so hard that seams of my umbrellas could not withstand the force of the rain and I was becoming increasingly wet.
In an attempt to escape the deluge I went across the street to the warm and dry Panera Bread. As soon as I opened the door the aroma of warm bread filled my senses and I made a path for some of their wonderful lemonade. As I was being served my drink I asked for the manager and told Vanessa, the plight of the wedding party standing in the rain. As quick as a greyhound she jumped into action and invited the entire wedding party to come in to the restaurant.
As the wedding guests entered the employees brought out dry towels to help them clean up and dry off. Because of the rain the store was not that crowded and we were able to rearrange some table and create an isle through the back, laid down a white runner, and I had the privilege of performing my first wedding ceremony in a Panera Bread.
When the couple was pronounced husband and wife, the patrons of the restaurant, the employees, and the guests stood, applauded, and celebrated.
Thank you Panera Bread for allowing this wonderful wedding to take place. Thank you Vanessa for your care and concern. You really made this wedding one to remember. And thank you to the employees, who stepped out of their everyday role to help make this wedding a reality for this wonderful couple.
And it all happened down the aisles…
Please hire a real Videographer….Uncle Joe just won’t do!
I know you trust and love your family, but trust only goes so far in saving the memories from your wedding. Recently I performed a wedding ceremony at a prestigious hotel and the couple asked a favorite uncle to videotape the ceremony. Apart from the fact that the gentleman had no idea where to stand (and not stand,) he was not dressed to blend in and not draw attention to himself. Not to mention, he almost burned up the ceremony site by knocking over more than a dozen lit candles. The choice to use a friend or family member resulted in and often does result in lots of cut off head shots, foot shots, jerky video footage, poor transitions, and bad lighting.
Heed my advice, seek out a professional. View examples of the videographer’s recent work. Ask your coordinator or officiant to recommend someone to you. Remember, this is the video you will one day show your children and grandchildren.
Sensational Ceremonies
